Whether we admit it or not, all human beings are relational creatures. We need relationships to function and flourish. The people in our lives are essential to our well-being and our witness in the world. After all, if Jesus said we would be known as his disciples by our love for one another, then it means Christianity cannot be fully experienced without other Christians in our lives.
Our relationships matter deeply to our faith. But what happens when those relationships are disrupted? When the people who have been so important to our lives are suddenly no longer as present? When a person leaves a local church or when a church ends its ministry, it represents change. And even the most flexible among us can struggle with change, as it presents two challenges: relational withdrawal and relational whiplash.
Challenge 1: Relational Withdrawal
When people leave a local church, no matter the reason, the significant challenge is maintaining important relationships. We should never underestimate the power and importance of proximity and frequency in nurturing affinity for one another. The more time we spend with people, the more we get to like them.
But when the rhythms of fellowship are disrupted, affinity is tested. That’s when we find out if our relationships are based on proximity or something deeper. (Not every relationship has the same level of intimacy or affinity.) Maintaining our most important relationships in a time of change will take work. And regardless of how much work we put in, those relationships will look different than they did previously.
Change and the extra level of effort involved can lead some of us to withdraw from relationships. And rarely is this ever intentional. It’s just what happens. But relational withdrawal is a real challenge to us nonetheless.
Challenge 2: Relational Whiplash
If relational withdrawal is one challenge, the other we experience is relational whiplash. When we are in a situation where we are entering a new community, one of the goals we should have is to develop relationships that go beyond superficial friendliness.
But when prayerfully exploring a new community, we will be prone to guard ourselves. And there is wisdom in this. It is prudent not to reveal too much too quickly, if for no other reason than it can be overwhelming for the people we’re just starting to get to know. But we might also find that these new communities haven’t experienced the intimacy we might be accustomed to. So there might be a sense of unintentional coldness, of superficiality. And as a result, we may withdraw even further to protect ourselves.
Overcoming Our Challenges
Regardless of where we might fall on this withdrawal to whiplash spectrum, what do we do? After all, we don’t want to fall out of the habit of meeting together (Hebrews 10:25). We don’t want to go to a church and hide, hoping no one sees us. We want to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. So what do we do?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to overcoming the challenges of relational disruption. One person’s situation is going to be different than another’s. But there are some general principles that are true for everyone:
Acknowledge the difficulty
Overcoming these challenges requires us to acknowledge that change is difficult. It always is because change means different, and we all enjoy (and need) consistency. The lack of consistency is frustrating. But it is also frustrating because it takes time to know people well enough that we feel safe with them. Acknowledging the difficulty doesn’t eliminate the challenges, but it does ease some tension.
Acknowledge the opportunity
Let’s say we find ourselves in a place where there isn’t the depth of intimacy we’re accustomed to, but we sense that it is indeed where the Lord wants us to be. It’s entirely possible—even probable—that God intends to use us as a catalyst to deepen the church’s love for one another. To cultivate and nurture a desire that may exist just below the surface but is there.
Maintain your important existing relationships
Finally, we need to remember that our important relationships will change, but they don’t need to go away. However, they are going to look different as we lose proximity and frequency. It means building time into our social schedules for people who are important to us and making plans with dates attached. But it also means doing simple things like continuing to pray for those people, maintaining group chats or texts, and, if they live close by and enjoy such things, making an impromptu visit.
Whatever the case, we need to do the work that all relationships require—even those that are easy to maintain because of proximity. And while it might be hard, it will be worth it.
Photo by Stefan Kunze on Unsplash
