A word for the one whose loved one is deconstructing

You are not alone.

I get it—you don’t like talking about a loved one deconstructing because, well, all kinds of reasons. Perhaps you’re not entirely sure what the word means. Maybe you’re trying to respect this person’s privacy. (A noble thing, to be sure.) Maybe—more likely—it’s because it hurts.

You have all these shoulds and self-condemnation running through your mind: I should have prayed more; I was too rigid and didn’t encourage asking questions; I was a bad witness to the people I love; I should have seen the signs, … And perhaps that’s true. But perhaps not. You’re carrying the weight of so many questions, and not just the ones your loved one is asking. Of fear, grief, frustration, anger, pain. Of wanting to know why.

Why this person you care so much about? Why is he or she struggling? You don’t know. And that person may not know either. (This is the problem with people, after all: They’re people, and they have a whole interior world and set of experiences that we can’t know.)

Whether or not you realize it, you are walking wounded. Seeing a loved one struggle with doubts or seemingly walk away hurts. Inevitably, whether intentional or not, your loved one—this person who is hurting—will hurt you too. It happens. when any of us are wounded, what are we most tempted to do? Withdraw. To pull away from the one who hurt us, and also from our community. To hide our pain from our friends. To act like everything is fine.

Let me let you in on a secret: It’s not fine. You are not okay. But it is okay to admit that.

The burden you carry is not for you to carry alone. You need others to help shoulder the load. To join you in prayer for your loved one—and to pray for you too. People who will listen to your fears and struggles and to speak hope into your life. Who will help you fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).

I can’t promise you it’s going to turn out the way you want. I can’t promise the person you love will find his or her way back to Jesus. There are no shortcuts or quick fixes. (And anyone who says differently is selling you something.) But I can tell you this: You are walking wounded, but you are not alone. The Lord knows. Your friends know too. Let them help you carry the load.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash