To the father who feel like a failure

Another Father’s Day has come and gone. I don’t know how this one was for you. People have complicated feelings around their parents, and how they’re doing as parents.

Many of us fathers feel like failures.

We look at families in our churches and in posts on social media—families that seem to be thriving in Jesus—and we love them. But we also can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. After all, despite all the books and podcasts, family discipleship never really came together in a consistent way. One or more of the children rejects the faith in which they were raised. Maybe one of them doesn’t talk to us at all anymore.

All the questions come, the ones that aren’t really questions at all. Where did I fall short? Did I not read the Bible enough? Too much? Did I say “I love you” enough? Did I not pray enough? Not repent of my sin enough? Was I as present as I should have been?

When you feel like a failure, Father’s Day can feel more like an accusation.

Do not lose heart, fathers who feel like failures

No (human) father is perfect. It’s easy to say, even easy to know, at least intellectually. But it’s hard to believe—to take to heart. For those of us who are (relatively) emotionally healthy, our sins as fathers weigh heavily. It’s painful to see our kids going down paths that lead to no good end. To never feel like we’re good enough. (And if you’re wondering if I’m talking to myself, I’m talking to myself.)

But if there is any encouragement I can offer, as one who struggles alongside all the fathers who feel like failures, here’s how I want to encourage us: Don’t lose heart.

Remember, we’re not seeing the whole picture. There’s more going on in other families than we realize. Social media presents a sanitized and idealized picture of people’s families. It doesn’t mean the sentiments we read aren’t true, but we aren’t seeing all the ways other people fall short. In the same way, the books and podcasts present an ideal—a vision of what could be rather than what is. (And if a book is written by someone who doesn’t have enough experience, ignore it altogether.) Don’t compare your family to a family that may not actually exist. Focus on being the best father you can be to the family you have.

Also, remember that our families’ stories aren’t over. It can seem like we’ve failed as parents when we see other people’s kids professing faith, being baptized, and taking their first steps as followers of Jesus. While we have an influence on our kids, what happens in their hearts isn’t up to us. God might have a different story in mind for them—one that might involve a lot of wrestling and even heartbreak. This is (and will be) hard to watch. But it means our calling remains the same: to show our kids the love of Jesus as best as we know how. So let’s keep that as our focus. Keep praying for them and speaking truth in love. Keep owning our sins and repenting to them directly, clearly, and unambiguously. And keep demonstrating that love with everything we have.

The story isn’t over. We don’t know what God is going to do. But if we believe that God loves our kids more than we do, then let’s trust him to do what a loving Father will do, no matter how long it takes.

Photo by Haberdoedas on Unsplash